Divorce negotiations 

Tomorrow is the first day of my divorce negotiations. We have engaged with a mediator as opposed to taking the adversarial approach. We’ve already discussed much of the detail, and have come to some broad agreements as to what we both see as reasonable.

The biggest conflict is likely to be around the medical situation. H is very accustomed to the high level of medical coverage that my employer currently offers, and she is dealing with a few ongoing medical issues. Initially she wanted me to consider a legal separation, as opposed to a divorce, as she was incredibly concerned about changes to the ACA impacting pre-existing conditions.

I reluctantly agreed to this, at least initially. However, it now seems that any changes to ACA are going to be relatively minor. I really just want to draw a line under the marriage and move on. It seems crazy to effectively go through two divorces. I’m guessing I will have to just provide H with some sort of additional alimony to ensure that she doesn’t have to stress so much about medical.

When I told A that I might end up legally separated, as opposed to divorced, she seemed to react reasonably well. She was a little hurt, as I had told I would get divorced. Yet she seemed fine.

Over the upcoming weeks, I noticed a change in how she interacted with me. She was noticeably withdrawn, and seemed to be pushing me away. I felt it quickly, because we had such a strong connection and bond up until that point, and so I decided that I needed to see her. My anxiety flared, and I was concerned she didn’t want me any more, or wanted someone else.

We met in Miami. As soon as we saw each other, everything was the same again. We rekindled the same romance that was there before she left. We had the most wonderful weekend, and neither of us wanted to talk big picture things – so it wasn’t brought up.

As soon as she got back to the island, we talked. She was scared that I wasn’t really leaving my wife, and that I was going to return to H. To protect herself, she decided that she needed to pull back from me a little as she was emotionally “all-in”. It made complete sense, and once I understood it, my anxiety died. Up until that point, I had been completely true with everything that I had her – and his was going back on a promise.

I have to get divorced, not just for A, but to get some closure on this marriage. I need a clean break, as best as possible, while still maintaining good access to my daughter. I hope we can get through this relatively unscathed, and move on to enjoy being coparents of our beautiful daughter. 


5 thoughts on “Divorce negotiations 

    1. We agreed that we would await to see what happened with ACA, but wanted to proceed with being legally separate. She knew that I wanted a divorce once there was clarity. Now we have a lot of clarity, divorce.

      Did someone do something bad to you in the past?


      1. Nope. But I am a student of human behavior. And while I think you are a jerk (texting to ask for a divorce) I also think you are very naive. She likely doesn’t want this divorce, best friends and all. Once you tell her that this is the path you are headed down, her attitude is likely to change. Legal separation gave her something to hold onto.

        Here is the thing, though. I actually think there is no clarity with regards to ACA. Trump was talking about it again today and he is willing to accept a plan that will screw people with pre-exisiting conditions in a bigly way. He just wants to check something off his list.

        Do you have any idea how much more money she will need to cover her health care costs? Do you know what COBRA will cost and how long it will last from your company?

        You ignore my questions about summer — Have you shared with A what your counselor told you? Do you not believe her (or him)? about what introducing A into your child’s life and telling your wife will do both to your negotiations and to your co-parenting relationship?


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