Love doesn’t work without sex

The reason my relationship failed with my wife is that we were sexually incompatible. I’m tired of reading the standard thinking that good sex comes with love – I believe that you can’t have a lasting love without good sex.

Myself and H never had even an OK sexual relationship – not even at the beginning when it is meant to be fun. H had a medical problem – vaginismus – that made it difficult for her to enjoy sex. However, she also has a deep fear of semen. For the first 3 years of our relationship, sex comprised of me pestering her until I got to give her oral sex. I was always denied.

I started to date H because we were very good friends. I was very insecure about myself leaving high school, and I didn’t think anyone could ever be attracted to me. But H always was, and I found her attractive – I believed we could work out. We had a lot of shared interests. Things worked well for a long time – I was in love, and that allowed me to ingore my sexuality for the longest time.

Eventually, after we married, we engaged in sexual therapy. It worked for a while, and we managed to have some sex. It was still exceptionally sporadic, and quite vanilla, and I didn’t find it good. In time, even this limited sexual relationship faded, and we became an “ABCs” couple – I have to give credit to A for that one: anniversaries, birthdays, and Christmas. The last three years, we even lost that. We didn’t even procreate physically – our daughter was conceived in a test tube.

I am an exceptionally sexual person. While I’ve never been diagnosed, I think I could easily fit the definition of hyper-sexuality – it’s almost always on my mind. When I entered the relationship with H, I repressed my sexuality. My desires are not in any way vanilla. Of course, I adore making passionate love, but I also want to hurt, and to degrade my partner. I want to try everything with my partner – nothing legal is off-limits to me. Before I met A, I had fantasized about a dominant/ submissive relationship for a very long time. A is equally as “free” when it comes to sex as I am, and we are exceptionally compatible.

I am reading a lot of books on relationships at the moment,  because I do not want to make the same mistakes with A as I made with H.  I’ve been reading a wonderful book called “Mating In Captivity” by Esther Perel. In it she describes how the security that a loving relationship can bring often causes sexual desire to wane. In essence, there is a great conflict between a secure attachment, and eroticism, because to experience true sexual excitement we need mysticism. When we intimately know our partners, mysticism dies.

I talked about this in my last post, but this reaffirms my thoughts on an open relationship being the long term answer to true happiness. We can both still have the thrill of the chase, while maintaining a secure attachment to each other. Further, I believe that knowing how much A is desired by other men and women, will spur on my sexual excitement for her.

Now, I know I am not ready for an open relationship with her yet. It’s only been six months, and our first foray into that caused some issues for me – I’ll fill you in on that, I promise. I just need a little more time alone with her to myself in order to build a little more certainty over the lasting nature of this relationship. I’ve been a little anxious and fearful about losing her – mainly because of the wholesale life changes I’ve made to be with her.

I strongly believe that the best relationships are where two people maintain their sense of self. H gave up her identity in our marriage. I’m so excited to see her grabbing it back now that we are apart. I’m convinced that she had lost herself in our marriage, and I really believe she will be happier out of it.

 

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10 thoughts on “Love doesn’t work without sex

  1. You have to stop talking like you are a hero for divorcing your wife. I am guessing that she was pretty content in her life and you have uprooted it pretty dramatically. I know you need to not feel bad about what you have done — thus the continual plugs for she is going to be great.

    Having a baby is life changing and the first few years are really hard. You have made them infinitely harder. So, again acknowledge your actions but don’t presume to know what is best for her.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Clearly you are a bastard — but I think calling you out on your crap is important, so maybe you will start to doubt your own narrative a bit. Your discounting of the impact of our actions is evident in statements like, she lost herself in marriage, She has a two year old, and maybe sick parents abroad.

        Or at least not be surprised when things don’t work out the way you think they will.

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  2. I think that many women do not realize how important sexual intimacy is to a man and to his feeling of being loved. So. yes, you cannot have a really loving relationship without good sexual intimacy. That said, there is more to a loving marriage than good sex, but the sex must not be neglected.

    The fact that it is such a struggle for many husbands to get their wives to give them oral sex is very disturbing. Oral sex lovingly performed can make for a very deep and intimate connection with your husband. Wives who try it with an open mind find that it really is not such a big deal to do.

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    1. I agree with so much of this, thank you for your comment. I tried for many years to stifle my feelings – I was often made to feel that my angst at a lack of sex was different to any other issues in the marriage. Almost as if it didn’t count when compared to all of our other marital problems. In the end, the anger and frustration at the lack of it just made her so unattractive and unappealing to me, that even when she might be interested in sex, I had zero interest in her.

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  3. You repressing your sex drive and feeling insecure should have been communicated prior to marriage. Why would you marry someone when you were unhappy with the sexual relationship you were having with them? But instead you married her anyway and then you’re upset because she’s still behaving the same way sexually that she did prior to you two even getting married! You’re sex life didn’t become less exciting because of marriage – according to this post it was already bad. So

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was 18 when we got together, and immature. I loved her, and she was my first partner. I assumed that it would be something we would be able to work out over time, and I was wrong. This is definitely the attitude I faced from H, playing down the importance of it to me in the relationship.

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  4. “the security that a loving relationship can bring often causes sexual desire to wane” How can it be one-sided? It can’t. Everyone has a certain sex drive and that doesn’t change when you get married. A wild card is when you marry someone who is a virgin. When you marry someone who is a virgin you’re essentially saying upfront I accept whatever sex drive you have no matter what (even they don’t know what the possibilities are). That person could have a high sex drive or a low sex drive, either way you agreed to meet them where they are at. It’s unfortunate that you decided to sacrifice your sex drive when you got married and then you weren’t able to follow through with your commitment especially since your wife was true to herself from the beginning. Key takeaway, be yourself in a relationship not what someone else needs or wants. Being someone else isn’t ever sustainable and those marriages will end in divorce unless the other person adapts to your true self.

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