The reason my relationship failed with my wife is that we were sexually incompatible. I’m tired of reading the standard thinking that good sex comes with love – I believe that you can’t have a lasting love without good sex.
Myself and H never had even an OK sexual relationship – not even at the beginning when it is meant to be fun. H had a medical problem – vaginismus – that made it difficult for her to enjoy sex. However, she also has a deep fear of semen. For the first 3 years of our relationship, sex comprised of me pestering her until I got to give her oral sex. I was always denied.
I started to date H because we were very good friends. I was very insecure about myself leaving high school, and I didn’t think anyone could ever be attracted to me. But H always was, and I found her attractive – I believed we could work out. We had a lot of shared interests. Things worked well for a long time – I was in love, and that allowed me to ingore my sexuality for the longest time.
Eventually, after we married, we engaged in sexual therapy. It worked for a while, and we managed to have some sex. It was still exceptionally sporadic, and quite vanilla, and I didn’t find it good. In time, even this limited sexual relationship faded, and we became an “ABCs” couple – I have to give credit to A for that one: anniversaries, birthdays, and Christmas. The last three years, we even lost that. We didn’t even procreate physically – our daughter was conceived in a test tube.
I am an exceptionally sexual person. While I’ve never been diagnosed, I think I could easily fit the definition of hyper-sexuality – it’s almost always on my mind. When I entered the relationship with H, I repressed my sexuality. My desires are not in any way vanilla. Of course, I adore making passionate love, but I also want to hurt, and to degrade my partner. I want to try everything with my partner – nothing legal is off-limits to me. Before I met A, I had fantasized about a dominant/ submissive relationship for a very long time. A is equally as “free” when it comes to sex as I am, and we are exceptionally compatible.
I am reading a lot of books on relationships at the moment, because I do not want to make the same mistakes with A as I made with H. I’ve been reading a wonderful book called “Mating In Captivity” by Esther Perel. In it she describes how the security that a loving relationship can bring often causes sexual desire to wane. In essence, there is a great conflict between a secure attachment, and eroticism, because to experience true sexual excitement we need mysticism. When we intimately know our partners, mysticism dies.
I talked about this in my last post, but this reaffirms my thoughts on an open relationship being the long term answer to true happiness. We can both still have the thrill of the chase, while maintaining a secure attachment to each other. Further, I believe that knowing how much A is desired by other men and women, will spur on my sexual excitement for her.
Now, I know I am not ready for an open relationship with her yet. It’s only been six months, and our first foray into that caused some issues for me – I’ll fill you in on that, I promise. I just need a little more time alone with her to myself in order to build a little more certainty over the lasting nature of this relationship. I’ve been a little anxious and fearful about losing her – mainly because of the wholesale life changes I’ve made to be with her.
I strongly believe that the best relationships are where two people maintain their sense of self. H gave up her identity in our marriage. I’m so excited to see her grabbing it back now that we are apart. I’m convinced that she had lost herself in our marriage, and I really believe she will be happier out of it.