Regrets 

I’m feeling a lot of them today. With hindsight, I would have done so many things differently. Let me be clear, I wouldn’t change the decision I made to leave my wife for A. However, I feel like I’ve created a bigger mess by extracting myself from H than was needed.

I desperately love my daughter, P. I can’t imagine her not being in my life. My dear of losing her led me to put together an elaborate plan to leave H. I told her I was leaving her, but not that I had found someone else. I knew A was going to be out of the country until the end of May, and so I thought I could show H how much I would care for her and P, and how much it made sense for them to both stay in the US – great house, great schools, our farm.

But I’m left feeling so sad about the whole thing. I feel like I am drowning in a web of lies. I don’t like that I’ve done this to so many people. Nobody knows anything except for A. I can’t imagine how it makes her feel – “is he going to do this to me?”.

She understands why I did it, I know that. I really hope that I haven’t made the problem infinitely bigger than it needed to be l, if I had just “manned up” and come up with the truth at the outset. I think H would’ve understood. Now if it all comes out I really do risk losing everything.

I don’t feel like I can just come out with the truth now. I’m too deep, and down the rabbit hole. 

I’m so glad I finally have been able to tell my friends I’ve found a wonderful girl. I told them we met on my trip to the island. Yet I’m sad I did it this way. I just don’t see any way out than to keep on this path.

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18 thoughts on “Regrets 

  1. There is always another way to do thing but it’s useless to regret now the choice you made… And honestly, I’m not sure it would have made things easier for you or your wife. I don’t know A and I cannot know how she’ll feel… But at the beginning with my BF (who left his wife for me, with a words that look scarily like what you wrote to yours), I did feel a bit insecure. It might have been because I was also moving my life 3000 miles away for him… My advice? Talk. Reassure her and be open and honest with your feelings, both of you. It’s cliché, but communication truly is the key – especially in a situation like that one. Don’t let regrets put a shadow over your new-found love… You made a choice for you, you deserve to be happy. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.

    I think I said it before but I enjoy reading your blog and seeing someone confident enough to show the side of the medal nobody ever gets to see… 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much for your support. Yes, A gets scared sometimes, and we talk about it. Mainly when I spend prolonged time with my wife – which still happens because we want to make sure things are stable for my daughter. I have to tell my wife about A in the near future. Mainly that I’ve found someone important and that she’s going to be a part of my life. But given A will be living with me, I don’t want her to find out second hand. Now it’s not like she ever visits my city apartment, but I’m at the point where I’m tired of having a secret love.

      I think A has fears that she has just been a “side piece” and I’m ready and desperate to shout my love for her at anyone that wants to hear it.

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      1. It would indeed be better to tell your wife before she finds out second hand… My BF’s ex-wife found out on social media and it was just a mess for everyone. It won’t be an easy discussion but honesty pays… I truly wish you the best of luck!

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  2. A should find somewhere else to stay before moving directly in with you. It is a HUGE mistake to introduce her straight away to your D. Again, you are about to pile on the mistakes you have already made. Do you know why?

    Where are you in the settlement process? Have you filed? Does your wife have an attorney?

    I expect you are feeling sad because a bunch of negative responses on your blog. While I doubt you are a sociopath, I believe strongly that you have narcissistic tendencies or are a full blown narcissist. Narcissist are all about image management…. What do you think?

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    1. It’s a temporary thing before she goes back to school – just for three months.

      Why – because of love. I mean it’s that simple really. I cannot stand to not have her in my life.

      We are on our way. Have a mediator, it’s going well.

      I think I am in agreement with you on the narcissism.

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      1. The why question was about why you shouldn’t introduce her to your daughter yet. Want to try again to answer it. Humor me. Why is it a bad idea to introduce A to P this summer?

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  3. It will absolutely complicated the divorce, but that is an adult problem. I know you are super, super confident that this is a forever relationship, right? But guess what, as you have seen with your wife, the odds are not in your favor.

    So now you have left your daughter’s home and are introducing someone new. And if it doesn’t work out, it is another loss for her. (And of course a 21 year old is all in for meeting your D. She is 21 and has no idea about what the best practices are in these situations.) But that is ok, cause I am sure you think she is one grown up 21 year old.

    If you tell your wife that you met A before you separated and now are going to introduce her to P, how do you foresee that playing out. I expect your wife to go home — what about you. The immense amount of pain you will be causing her will color her decision making and make her need to be with people who love her.

    So that adult problem I mentioned at the beginning will become a much bigger problem. Now what do you think?

    S

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    1. All things that go through my mind each and every day – though you put them very eloquently. I continue to appreciate your candor.

      I don’t know if anything is forever. I can only make decisions that feel right now. I’m with you on the loss front, I just don’t feel I can hide A from her at the same time, that feels like it just wouldn’t work. Either solution is not fair on each of them. I will tell my wife we met on my vacation, and she doesn’t need to know A is living with me until July as she is out of the country. I appreciate all your points, but don’t I just need to get my head down and start unraveling this mess?

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      1. Here is the thing, the number one priority in all this needs to be your daughter, not A and not you. Will your D be with her mother out of the country?

        Another unrelated question, is your wife able to work in the US?

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  4. I presume A leaves to go back to school at the end of summer. Any chance she might want to visit friends or family in July for a few days — given that you only have every other weekend with your daughter, might be good for your to focus on P exclusively. This is another reason what you are doing isn’t good. P will need to bond with you by herself.

    And will your divorce settlement end alimony if she remarries?

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    1. Alimony yes, child support no. I will consider what you are saying. In all likelihood she will be working like crazy as she is seeking a couple of jobs when she is here to help her finances.

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      1. You are talking about A, right — working the jobs. I want you to think long and hard how you share with info with your wife. Perhaps you can tell her she is visiting — and you are exploring where the relationship is headed, etc. I would not call it living together as that infers long term and A is going back to school.

        Read up on the golden handcuffs of alimony/remarriage and decide if that is in the best interest of your child. It sounds like you are a very, very high earner. This means, that your alimony is likely keeping your D in the home that she is in now. If you wife marries an average earner, without alimony could she stay in the house?

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      2. A, yes. H doesn’t need to work, if she chooses to not.

        Even child support would easily do that to be honest.

        I’ve contacted our therapist this afternoon based on your comments – just to get her view on how to tell H.

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  5. Our therapist — are you going to tell her that this began as an affair. Not sure that is a wise move. If it is just your therapist, maybe….

    I am concerned that you are suffering from cognitive dissonance as it relates to what your “relationship” with A becoming public means. You seem unable to understand the consequences both on navigating the divorce and on your D. Also, your inability to understand the need to focus strictly on your daughter when you have twice a month is worrisome as well. She doesn’t need to see you with a partner. She needs to bond with her daddy. She is very young.

    If you blow up your amicable divorce proceedings because of A, will you have regret? Is she worth blowing up the co-parenting relationship you will need for the next 16+ years. Instead of finding a way to be discreet for longer, you are like a bull in a china shop. And we all know how that works out.

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    1. No I’m not crazy enough to reveal the full story to H now. That is too late. I think love is cognitive dissonance, no? I will see what my therapist says too. I’m not against what you are saying at all. Just very confused between my usually rational mind and my heart.

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