I’m coming close to the end of my vacation with her. It’s been close to perfect. I have been introduced to her friends, and we’ve explored the best of the islands.
Now I have to wait six weeks until she moves back to the mainland, and into my apartment. It’s a long wait, but we’ve already experienced longer.
It’s been a testing experience for me. She is one of the most outgoing, and lovable people I have ever met. There have been many suitors that have fallen for her. It’s hard to live at such a great distance from the woman that you love – especially while you are figuring out a divorce and child custody.
I’ve been scared, and I’ve been lonely. That said, she proves her immense love for me each day. I didn’t think I was the jelaous type, but I have been through intense periods of jealousy during her trip. The way I rationalize it to myself is fear – a deep fear of the the person I love with my entire being finding someone else.
I’ve tried denial, and it didn’t work. It took a lot of reading, and meditating, and testing my mind to come to the simple conclusion. I can’t make anyone love me, and I can’t predict the future. I have to live each day, and take things as they come. I have to let her go, and accept the fact that we may not be permanent.
By nature I am a planner, and I like to have a steady path laid out into my future. I believe that is why it took me so long to break out my unhappy marriage. Like for most humans, my known unhappiness felt less risky than a shot at an unknown happiness. I had a secure attachment, and I’ve exchanged it for something inherently less secure, but infinitely happier. She is a risk, a giant risk. But she is completely worth it.
Even if, for some reason, we don’t work out, she has given me the courage to leave an unhappy situation, and to take my life off hold.
I’ll be forever grateful to her for that, and in the meantime I’ll enjoy my relationship with her for all that it is. I’m going to be heartbroken this time tomorrow when I have to get into a plane and leave her behind. I’m full of joy, and happiness, but the sadness is starting to build in me. I’ll be OK, I always am, but I’m desperate for when she comes to live with me.