On Wednesday morning, I leave for a tropical island to visit her. The story of us is long, and complex, and beautiful, and sordid. She makes me fear my future, and ache for her presence. I’m enraptured, and obsessed with her. Before her I was satisfied to live an average existence, and I made do with what I had. I experienced moments of vivid happiness, and of pleasure, and of love, but not like this.
She is 21, and I am 34. She is a college student – a wild, and decadent mixture of intellect, humor, and youth. I’m just a man that’s made some poor choices, until I met her.
I’m not what society would call a good person. I left my wife to be with her. I left my wife, and my beautiful daughter to be with her – I felt I had no other choice, as I couldn’t stand to be without her. I want to tell you everything. I want to tell you all of the details, blow by blow. I believe that I can be honest with you, with someone, for once. I’m not seeking absolution, nor forgiveness, and certainly not a pat on the back. Yet I feel like someone needs to know about this, because the secrecy is grating, and because holding in the ecstatic joy, and deep sadness I feel is no longer helpful.
I will detour along the way, and mix the past, and my present, and my future plans. I hope you can accompany on my dissection of my life, and I hope that you can learn from the mistakes that I’ve made.
Love is a complex mess of chemicals – hormones, and ambitions, and emotions. I don’t pretend to be anything but another animal, drawn into a conflict between my primal urges, and my conscience. Each day I face my decisions, and question them. I’ve hurt a lot of people, and I am remorseful. Yet I’m cognizant of my own mortality, and I’m compelled to live in a manner that makes me happy – and not how I’m expected to behave.
Judge me! Berate me! I’m ready to share it all with you – I’m not afraid of myself any longer.